Platonic would be a generous description of my relationship - 11 years together, 8 married. I'm at a loss and am at the point where I think, daily, how much longer I can last. There is little effort at communication (both ways I suppose), absolutely no intimacy for about four years now. There are problems with money, her complete disregard for our growing debt etc. I described it to her this way a few months ago - since we met I've become deeper and deeper in debt (measured every three years) than ever before. At 45 years old we've just topped 300k in debt, ten years ago I had 150k - sure our house is worth five times what it was before, but I'll work until I'm 70 to pay the mortgage unless there's savings to redirect that way. She doesn't get it.

Complicating this, we have a four year old boy. My issues: do a stay in misery to raise my son, in a house where his parents sleep in different rooms, do I go, understanding that I will parent probably 50% of the time, will likely find the relationship I am find rewarding.

My wife and I both make good salaries, so the pure econonimc "division of marital assets" will not kill ether of us... even with child support payments I will likely make, I'm likely further ahead by getting out now - emotionally, spiritually, physically, economically, etc...

She's lost interest, sure has...

Firelaw - I will be the last to offer advice, becuase my own situation parallels yours, and I haven't had the guts to do anything drastic.

All I can say for certain is that "I feel your pain."

Keep us posted, and feel free to come here to vent when you need to. I do.

Thanks Chief - yes I suppose it all comes down to drastic decisions. Let me reframe this problem into a series of questions - I'll post them over the next month - here's the first question.

(1) So, what is a relationship supposed to look like after 10 years of marriage, 12 years together? Do we accept mediocrity, does the thrill found in the early stages of a relationship vanish? Are we to accept a relationship that is better characterized as "room-mates" (actually "house-mates" is a better fit) rather than life-partners (to use a modern term). Is it the normal course of a relationship to fade this state? (ok, so it's more than one question, but it's a theme I suppose)


I'm really interested in feedback here - hey Cinnamen you out there, I would be interested in a woman's point of view...

So, calling all commentators - before drastic decisions are made...

Firelaw, I've given that same question a lot of thought over the years. I am 49, married 30 years. I have always been the one to try to keep the fires burning in our relationship. She seems most comfortable with the platonic "roomies" scenario you describe. That said, we do have the occasional periods of days or weeks where things seem just right, but those are few and far between.

I have observed that a lot of the middle aged couples I know personally seem to have a similar relationship. Buisness parteners more than husband and wife. I think a lot of guys in their 30s, 40s and 50s are frustrated with the lack of intimacy, but we have been conditioned to never let it show. I can assure you that on this board is the only place I have ever voiced my frustrations.

Not much of an answer, but at least you should know you are not alone!

quote:

Originally posted by Firelaw:
Platonic would be a generous description of my relationship - 11 years together, 8 married. I'm at a loss and am at the point where I think, daily, how much longer I can last. There is little effort at communication (both ways I suppose), absolutely no intimacy for about four years now. There are problems with money, her complete disregard for our growing debt etc. I described it to her this way a few months ago - since we met I've become deeper and deeper in debt (measured every three years) than ever before. At 45 years old we've just topped 300k in debt, ten years ago I had 150k - sure our house is worth five times what it was before, but I'll work until I'm 70 to pay the mortgage unless there's savings to redirect that way. She doesn't get it.

Complicating this, we have a four year old boy. My issues: do a stay in misery to raise my son, in a house where his parents sleep in different rooms, do I go, understanding that I will parent probably 50% of the time, will likely find the relationship I am find rewarding.

My wife and I both make good salaries, so the pure econonimc "division of marital assets" will not kill ether of us... even with child support payments I will likely make, I'm likely further ahead by getting out now - emotionally, spiritually, physically, economically, etc...

She's lost interest, sure has...

Firelaw,

I read this posting several days ago and struggled with what I would say to my 44 year old son if he were to tell me something like this. I feel very bad for you, and for your wife as she can't really be happy either.

It isn't clear if the $300K debt you mention includes your mortage, but if the bulk of it isn't your mortgage, it is past time for some drastic measures. If this level of debt is fancy cars and credit card debt, you have to get it under control.

It also isn't clear if the $150K you mentioned was your debt at the time you married, or if it was assets that you had. It is hard to imagine that someone who had managed to accumulate $150K in assets could wind up $300K in the hole.

I would not be overly concerned by the fact that you won't have you home paid off until you are 70. That is 25 years away, and if you have a fixed rate mortage, the percentage of your income going to the mortage will be a fraction of what it is right now.

But the thing that really bothered me the most was that you and your wife have lost the passion that you once shared. I would recommend that you get some professional help with this. For one thing, I would not want my Grandson to be raised in a household where the mother and father clearly don't want to be intimate. Remember that you are his main model. Personally, I would not stay in such a marriage. It isn't healthy for either of you and you only get one chance at life. St Peter isn't going to ask you if you want to do it again. You get one shot at it.

I really don't know what the norms are when it comes to being intimate as you get older, but 45 is still very young. I am 65 and I know that my 58 year old wife would be very upset if we didn't make love several time a month. You and your wife are way too young to be living the lifestyle of 80 year olds. You need to get drastic on this issue; get some professional help, take a romantic vacation. Don't settle for a loveless marriage.

Good luck and please continue to talk to us about this as you work your way through this.

Have you guys ever exchanged these veiws with your partner or its just here?

It's been awhile since an update, and with Valentine's day coming up this week, I thought I would post with my latest update.

Things have pretty much been status quo around here. Wife and I are very settled into a relationship that is freindly and sometimes fun. Just not romantic, and rarely intimate.

My brother just separated from his wife of many years, so I guess I won't complain too much. But, I thought women craved the affection and attention of a romantic man. My wife seems very indifferent to anything that resembles sharing time together. We watch movies, and have the occasional dinner out, but she just doesn't want anything deeper than that. Now to be fair, she is dealing with some issues in her side of the family, but I am still puzzled by her.

What really bothers me is that with each passing day I care less and less about the problem. I am just about at the point of saying "What the heck, this is as good as it gets."

Well see what the 14th brings! I am cautiously hopeful.