I've been focusing my attentions on things other than doting on her. My hope is that she'll notice the difference and it will spark some sort of positive reaction. So far, nothing has changed.

Her attentions are saved for her two grown sons, her aging parents and her three cats. I fall somewhere after that point. I am still attempting to try the occasional "just the two of us" event, but her interest in those things is minimal at best.

I knocked off work early the other day to take her for a drive to look at the fall colors, and a romantic stroll up to the top of a local "lookout" point. She insisted on briniging one of her cats along for the ride.So, I guess I'm starting to get the message here!

By the way, I support the time she spends with family and pets. I just think there should be some time occasionally that is reserved just for us.

I agree that life is funny, Texas. I always thought it was the women who became concerned about these intimacy issues, and here I am losing sleep over it!

Hi Guys:

Sorry to hear of your dilemma. I can relate to the feeling because it works both ways. From a female perspective, it has alot to do with being disconnected for an extended period. Do you think that women are more prone to this than men? I get the impression that this is true. It seems to be a mistake that is often made (sometimes because there are no alternatives) during the child-rearing years and then when that is all over, you have no idea who you are or who your spouse is. It is vitally important to stay connected during those years as adults--NOT JUST PARENTS--with adult interests and adult activities. In my experience, my ex-husband disconnected me almost from the start of the marriage. He could see no reason to spend time with me as a person even before we had kids. Looking back, I can see now that the main reason I agreed (I initially did not want to have children) to have kids was to try to engage him. It didn't work. It took 14 years for me to give up on him, but once I did, it was totally over for me. I hope that this is not the case for you guys but I feel that there is a better chance as your cases are a bit different.

One thing that might (and you need to be careful with this one as everyone is different) work is when another attractive woman shows an interest in you. It can make your spouse see you in a new light. Sometimes we are so used to seeing something in a certain way that we don't really see it anymore. There are times, in fact, when we don't recognize any changes as we aren't even really looking at all.

Maybe the trick here is to achieve some kind of balance? You don't want to be trying to live in your spouse's pocket--that will drive anyone nuts. But try to find an activity that you can both enjoy and something else that is strictly for you. Above all, have fun. It's hard to relax about an emotional issue but always chewing on it can make the whole mess worse.

I wish I could offer more advice. I hope that things work out for you all.

Cinnamon:

Thanks for contributing. I'm sure your insights from "the other side" will help all of us who are struggling trying to understand the female mind.

I think your comment about acheiving a balance is especially good. I must admit that things have started to improve with my wife since I have been focusing on things other than her. Perhaps I was living too much "in her pocket" as you put it.

We have a long way to go however. This is simply a start.

Thanks again for your input.

Well we spent a weekend together just she and I and it was a little weird. It was like we were both trying to hard. The other weird thing was I went and played golf on Sunday afternoon, when I got back she was in nothing but her robe. So after an indifferent to sex couple of days she was all wound up when I got home. Now I am starting to wonder what happened to get her that way?

Was it her chat buddies or did someone come by while I was gone or just another prozac induced mood swing.... It is like living to two or three different people, I never know who is going to meet me. This is nuts...

Any ideas?

Texasman

Two words (that equal perfect solution): talk and listen. You're willing to ask strangers in a forum what to do, but not willing to be direct and just ask? Sounds like you're coping out to me. Are you afraid of you wife?

I don't know who you are but I think you should think about what you said... I have talked to her, but I am not sure I can completely understand what she is going through because she doesn't either. If you think you can just talk and listen and work things out in short time you have been watching too many 30 minute tv shows.

I am not afraid of my wife, and it is not coping out to ask other people's opinions when they have had similar experiences. That is the purpose of this forum if you don't understand that perhaps you should not be here.

> I don't know who you are but I think you should think
> about what you said... I have talked to her, but I
> am not sure I can completely understand what she is
> going through because she doesn't either. If you
> think you can just talk and listen and work things
> out in short time you have been watching too many 30
> minute tv shows.
>
> I am not afraid of my wife, and it is not coping out
> to ask other people's opinions when they have had
> similar experiences. That is the purpose of this
> forum if you don't understand that perhaps you should
> not be here.

Amen to that Texas. I had the same reaction when I read the post. Perhaps our new board member's choice of names should have been a tipoff.

I agree that communication with "her" does not always yeild fruitful results. I have been down that road myself. We can talk about some issues until we're blue in the face and nothing comes of it.

But sometimes the insight of someone from the outside gives a perspective that is ultimately very helpful.

As far as your post prior to this last one, I don't blame you for wondering what the heck brought on the change in behavior. I see it as one of two possibilities; you might be right that chatting with her "new freinds" got her all stirred up, or maybe she had some time to think about your efforts to improve the relationship, and things are finally going to improve for you.

I hope it's the latter. Keep us posted.

Chief,

Thanks for the support. Again I am glad I am not the only one who thinks that way. Things around the house seem to be on a some what even keel. I still think she talks to them, and talks on the internet too much but she is not interested in stopping. I guess I will have to wait it out and see what happens.

Good luck to you too...

Hello all, I am new to this forum but I have read some of your thoughts on how to handle several situations that I feel sypothetic to. I have be married for 15 years and for a total of 18 (dating). I am in a profession where I have spent most of my marriage life traveling the world. I have read some of the advice you have to offer but I am skeptical about some of it. I am not bashing anyone, I just don't know what to believe. I have read forums like this one and even tried a couple of books. I am pretty much the same as you, I feel like there is a gap forming in my marriage. I try to keep my marriage lively ( sporting events, camping, fishing, movies, dinner ) but the extended time away (1 year) tends to diminsh all that. I have noticed a certain degree of independance which would come with long seperations, I just feel out of place when I get home. We are greeted by people who I have no idea who they are but my wife knows well. When I get upset she gets defensive. I don't like fighting because I have a terrible temper and if I engage her it will get really ugly. She says I don't trust her, she gets upset about it and then some how I am made out to be the bastard. I believe in and was raised in old world values and I hold true to them. I honor my wife, I try to spoil my wife, I am romantic with my wife. I am not an emotional man but I have even tried to talk to her about it to let her know how I feel even though I don't like talking about how I feel. Between the arguments, the new friends, e-mail/online chatting, I am wondering how I can stop the gap forming between us. I believe I have found my soulmate, there isn't a single woman in the world who revs my motor or puts a pep in my step like my wife. She is my best friend but even our phone conversations are starting to lag. Long pauses, same conversations being talked about repeatedly, arguments, it's getting to the point where talking on the phone is just not cutting the mustard. I have done everything I physically can do to not make the same mistakes my parents made, that friends have made, colleages have made. I have tried to be a student of marriage and I put 100% into my marriage everyday as if it were my last on this planet. Am I over cautious, is there any merit in my thought process. Any kind of insight would be appreciated.

Leatherneck,

Brother for what it is worth, I could have written that post myself. I was gone for a year post 9/11 and then gone for another year getting back Feb 04. USAFR...CENTCOM, Afghanistan and Iraq...

I thought after a while that feeling of being out of place at home would have gone away after being home for a year but sometimes it is still there. There are more casualties that just flesh and blood...

I don't have an answer, the only thing that seems to make things better is hold to hold on loosely an try to meet her half way.

Good luck brother,

Thanks for the input Tex, I will give it a try and see what happens. Just tired of trying to figure it all out. Take it easy and Semper Fi

Guys, I'm right there with you! When Leatherneck said he feels 'out of place in his own home" I was nodding so hard in agreement, I think I hurt myself.

I just returned from an extneded road trip myself today. I can echo almost everything Leatherneck says, including the lackluster phone calls home when I'm on the road.

I too have tried to keep the romance alive by treating my lady like we are still courting. I suppose it has helped some, but I really don't know for sure.

In my situation, it may be that I spend so much time alone (as dictated by my career), I really crave a special emotional connection to my wife. It just isn't there from her end, although I am conviced that she does love me. I have been trying the "hold on loosely" approach, and I think that has helped the situation, and allowed me to deal better with the lack of "connection" that I crave.

I'm sure we can help each other out with advice, but for me, just knowing there are other guys walking in my shoes is a great help.

Hey Texas - a belated Veterans Day salute from me to you! I appreciate your service.

Chief and Leatherneck,

The other thing that bothers me, is that now I am suspicious about anything that is out of the normal. Part of my training is to notice any shift in pattern or behavior in an individual or organization. After the first lie, now I am constantly suspicious about anything she does that I am not expecting. This of course causes tension, but after 20 years of doing this I can't help it. My family always complains that I figure out the ends of movies and know how things will turn out in story lines before they do. Now it is like I am watching a bad movie and sometimes it is like I already know the end.

This weekend we are going out with some friends of mine for a weekend of golf, drinking, dining and antique shopping. We will see how this goes, I am hoping that if she starts hanging out with adults, instead of my daughters late teen, early 20's crowd, maybe we can get it back together.

I will let you know how it goes. Chief, thanks for the salute, I only did what I was asked to do. There are no heroes, only guys and gals trying to get home.

Later,

TEX

Tex,

I know what you mean, and when I try to ask or get to the bottom of the question in mind, I am put on the defense. End result, I am untrusting or the bad guy. Maybe it is the distance or seperation, I find myself not really wanting to socialize with anyone. I wish I had some kind of wisdom or good advice but it seems like you have it under control this weekend. Hope all works out and you have a good time. Shoot a low round and Happy Thanksgiving. Beers to ya


Leatherneck

Update from Texas....

The weekend went pretty good. I think she remembered how much fun we could have with other adults. Because some of the people we were meeting for the first time, we talked about how we met and generally told our story. It was nice to see her smile as she recalled the good times we have had over the last 25. Since we were in a hotel, and the only ones without kids, the sex was great too. I highly recommend the weekend away with other couples if you have the opportunity. I don't think it will stop any of the other things I object to but at least it was a nice weekend. Thanksgiving may be a test, we are going to see the kids instead of going home to see our parents (the usual drill).

I will let you know how it turns out.

Keep the faith.

Tex