It's been a long (28 years) and mostly happy marriage for us. Now we're in our late 40's, the kids are on thier own, and she seems to have no interest in me whatsoever.

I have always tried to be thougthful and "romantic" throughout our marraige. I confess that I thought we would get closer after the kids left home, but if anything the opposite is true. She is disinterested in anything that involves "just the two of us." As a matter of fact, I get the unspoken sense that she is irritated whenever I'm around.

I guess I was just wondering if any of the rest of you middle aged folks that have been in long term relationships have experienced anything similar?

Thanks!

Only been married 19 years, in early 50s and still have kids at home (started late) but I can relate somewhat. I wonder if after the kids are gone we'll be closer, the sex will be more like if was before the kids (I'm a dreamer). Kids take up space and it often is about them and the relationship kind of gets pushed to the side. Which is not good. I know couples that started early at not letting that happen, wish I had more though my wife and I are good companions.

I guess I would ask these questions of you:
-Do you consider your wife your friend as well as mate?
-Are there specific hobbies or activities that you can do together to give you something more in common? When the kids are growing that is such a big thing in common that there isn't always the time for other things but now you have the time.
-Have you talked with her about feeling like she is irritated when you are around?
-Do you get away together or are you both consumed by work or something else that is independent of the other?
-How is the sex? Now that the kids are gone has the playfullness of sex that might have existed before kids come back? If not is there something you can do to bring it back?

You are both young and have alot of life ahead.

Life is full of changes and stages. I wish you well on this one and look forward to hearing how it is going.
J

Thanks for the feedback jasper!

I guess I can answer at least a couple of your questions.

We don't have many common interests outside of our kids. I suppose I should try to find some things we both enjoy, or at least try to enjoy some of the things she really likes.

As for being irritated when I am around, it isn't my imagination. I have spent a good portion of my work life traveling, so I suspect she gets used to being on her own, and having me around upsets her routine. We haven't slept in the same bed for years. She claims she got used to sleeping on the couch when I was away from home, and now just can't rest sleeping with me. So, she now sleeps in the guest room or on the couch.

The sex is very good in quality, although the quantity is poor. Maybe twice per month on average. Since we both enjoy it so much, I can't quite understand why she isn't interested in doing more of it. Personally, I would like to being having it 2-3 times per week.

Thanks again for your input, and thanks for listening!

Does sound like finding some common interests would be a good start, perhaps something hands on that would encourage talking or working like canoing, hiking or something outside that you could carry back home like a cooking class. If she has interests that you can also get involve with that is a head start.

Are you still traveling alot? If you were traveling alot I can understand her getting into a routine and her finding it irritatig when you interupt it. Again communication is key to finding some common ground for you to be part of the routine, which may take some adjusting for you as well. A while ago I was home only on weekends for close to 2 years and and I remember feeling out of the routine. My wife and I talked about me feeling out of it and it was exactly what you said, she was independent the whole week then I came in wanted wanted to kick back some and she had a routine.
The answer for us was that we assigned some specific roles for me when I was home such as shopping, cleaning, kid care and it did help ease her burden and involved me more. I now have a long commute to work so there are still some issues of being out of the loop but it is continous communication. It isn't easy and it isn't that I don't get pissed and feel left out but relationships are a work in progress and ever changing and evolving.

I have friends in their 40s who sleep apart for various reasons. One because he snores and keeps her awake. It may not be the best for you but if you are not around alot it works for her. Would a larger bed improve things?

Re the sex, I think most guys wish there was more, including me. I have a wise friend who said to me that the frequency of sex he had with his wife depended on how he or she was feeling about their relationship at the time. I guess that is true with me too. When I am feeling good about our relationship I do more things that are progressive foreplay (over days not miutes) and she is more receptive as well. I have to catch myself when I complain to myself about lack of sex and ask what have I done lately to promote the wellbeing of our relationship. It all adds up.

Good luck on your journey and wish me kuck on mine.
J

Guys,

My wife and I just went over 25 years and the last kid moved out to college in August. Right now my wife, who was a stay at home mom, is going through what I can only describe as a mid life crisis. The doctor has her on Prozac and I found out she is/was having a cyber-affair with guys from a chat room. As best I can tell she has not physically met anyone but even the thought of it has me wondering what happened to her.

I told her it had to be her decision about where to go from here. I was surprised at my own reaction, if she wants to go then I don't want her to stay just because I told her to. We have done what we thought was our duty (started having kids at 19) for the last 25 and if it is over then it is over. I don't know what else to do.

Any ideas?

I think that this is a common occurance with couples when they go from child rearing to enjoying their golden years together. I think most couples spend the first 20 or so years of their marriages raising kids at the expense of anything else. the kids are everything
(which to an extent it should be).

My wife and I are also in our mid 40's with two kids still at home. We have gotten to the point where we spend as much time as possible with the brats but also try to do things together that have nothing to do with them. We are trying to cultivate our own interests. We also get away from everyting a couple of days a year either together or just with some friends (just a couple of days)

John,

Thanks for the thoughts... Question at large, should I insist she stop talking to these people on the internet? I have since found out that not only does she talk to them online she talks to them on the phone.

She says I don't give her enough "space" but she can't define how far out that space goes. Everything is really up and down. When it is good it is really good, when it is bad it is really bad. There is little in between.

Thanks

Here's the problem with insisting that she stop the cyber-affairs...if you "insist" that she stop, she'll resent it and things will be worse than ever. You need to give her a good reason to stop, and that means winning her back so that she'll want to stop. It might be worth using an "I statement" such as "I really feel sad about your chatting with other men online...it makes me feel that we have a problem that we need to work out."

Yes, I know it's wimpy...but she's only one step away from meeting these guys in real life, and once that happens, you might as well call in the lawyers and get ready for a skin-peeling.

Remember, you won her heart once...you can do it again.

Good luck...

I don't know guys. I become more convinced daily that the harder a man tries to woo and win a wife of many years back into a loving relationship, the more indifferent she becomes. I know this is true in my case, and I've heard from others that this is true in their case as well.

I am giving serious consideration to attempting a tactic where I at least pretend to quit caring. My wife has always been more interested in the things she doesn't/can't have than the things that are right in front of her.

If that doesn't work, maybe it's time to quit caring for real. If I sound frustrated, it's just because I am......

I hate to admit it but I think you are right... She said the harder I hold on the more she pushes back. She knows I don't like it but she does it anyway. Actually the phone call bother me more than the online chats. Somehow that seems more intimate and closer to the real thing.

Where to hold on and when to let go is the problem... We will see what happens. As for winning her heart, I think she has to come back to me on her own terms. I can't chase her any harder.

That's just my point Texas. I really am beginning to believe that she will only start to show an interest in you, when you stop showing an interest in her.

I am trying that in my own situation. I have become very tired of "chasing." Something I don't mind doing once in a while to keep the romantic spark alive, but after 28 years together, I'm not sure I should have to "all the time." As a matter of fact, I think that in the long run, my efforts have backfired. She knows she "has me," and I think that's why she lost interest.

I'll let you know if my new approach pays off.

I had a similar experience with my wife...she was speaking on the phone with some guy she knew on a pretty regular basis. Finally, I told her "you have a choice to make" - you either stop talking to this person on the phone and terminate the relationship - or we terminate the marriage. Pick one. May not have been very tactful - but it forced a decision.

Steve,

I don't think I am ready to do that... I am about to come into some money and I am thinking about handing her $1000 and telling her to do what she wants with it. If she wants to go see the guys she has been talking to then go for it. I am hoping this will show my willingness to give her "space". If she decides to go, then so be it and she will have made her decision. If not then we can go forward. Any thoughts? BTW it is nice to hear that I am not alone and we are all having these problems.

Thanks for the support...

I agree with you Tex. I am not one for the "love me or leave me" type ultimatum either. I don't want her to be with me becuase I coerced her to somehow. I like your idea of letting her decide how to proceed. I really think that online relationships, and phone conversations indicate a big problem though. Even if she is physically with you right now, she is emotionally elsewhere. I think you might startle her in a big way if you simply give her that money and tell her to "follow her heart."

She will either be delighted with the opportunity (in which case you have your answer), or she will realize you are willing to move on without her and she'll drop the whole thing.

Our situations are similar, and I know we are not alone here. Keep us posted!

Chief,

Thanks for the moral support... I agree that the online and phone conversations are a problem but I can't demand she stop. She has to decide to stop.

We will see what happens, I will let you know. How are things on your end? Getting better?

Life sure takes funny twists.