Guys:

Best Life is looking for your fatherhood-related questions, which we will have answered by an expert in the area.

So I'm encouraging you to not only keep these discussions going, but also send us your questions so we can help you get and stay fit.

Either post the questions in the forum or send them to bestlife@rodale.com; be sure to use an appropriate subject line so we know what the question is.

Regards,
Steven
Managing Editor of Best Life

I'm a 45y old father of 4, girls 14,7,3 son 13.
the older 2 live with mom about 15 mi. away and we
been close. well i have been in iraq for 3 month now
and my son is taking it hard. He seem to be scared and
mad at me. I guess it because i did not have to go.
he talk to me on the phone and I email him 4 times a week, But i'm not sure how to help him deal with it.
Or what ot say to him. the other kids seem ok with it.
I can hear the worry in his voice. I'm not sure how to help him. I try to tell him I'm just on a vacation, but
he not buying it. could use any advices

I think you got to level with him (I don;t think he buys the on vacation line). I would reassure him that you will be home and maybe why you did go (this will hopefully change the anger into pride of his Father). Hopefully it helps.

Good luck to you, and I hope and pray for your safe return.

thanks I will give it a try. I guess it not smart to try to always make a joke out of it. May be that is just how i deal with it. I tried to teach him a man dose the right thing not the easy thing. Hope it sink in and I don't come off like a old sgt.

> I'm a 45y old father of 4, girls 14,7,3 son 13.
> the older 2 live with mom about 15 mi. away and we
> been close. well i have been in iraq for 3 month now
>
> and my son is taking it hard. He seem to be scared
> and
> mad at me. I guess it because i did not have to go.
> he talk to me on the phone and I email him 4 times a
> week, But i'm not sure how to help him deal with it.
> Or what ot say to him. the other kids seem ok with
> it.
> I can hear the worry in his voice. I'm not sure how
> to help him. I try to tell him I'm just on a
> vacation, but
> he not buying it. could use any advices

Sarge-
I'm 43 and was deployed in Kuwait from 01-03 so I have a reference point My daughter was 3 when I left. My Son was 5.
He's 13-Youve got to level with him-
You have to be frank about being a Volunteer
We all are.
Best I can tell you is to communicate your unconditional love for him-regardless of his emotions, which you need to let him know you accept and are ok with.
Be Safe and Thanks for Your Service
BBB
LTC, USA

I think his point (My son that is) I retired from the Green machine in 2000, I told him I was done.
But after all that happened after, I just could not
sit home. So I came over as a contractor. The wife under stood but my son doesn't. I guess I see his point but that doesn't change things. I hope to make it up to him
Maybe one day he will understand. I just don't know all the right words to say.
ps I will call him tonight. thanks for all the advice it helps.

I don't think there will be the "right words" for this situation. He needs to be upset right now. I respect my father (volunteer firefighter) when he had to put other people first. I didn't like it then but now I understand and love him even more. Express your love for him and reassure him that you are taking every precaution to return home safely. Thank you for your dedication and good luck to you.

Should I tell my teenage son about my failures in life?

1. Values, none of the magazines I pick up cover or promote real values of a responsible parent. Give us some easy to remember phrases to hand down to our kids.

2. Entertainment for your Wife or Children. Sometimes the age of the children throw a wrench in your plans. Give us some ideas every month.

3. Debt. With so much of the population up to their but in credit card debt it would be nice to find ways to get rid of it. Monthly articles.

4. Politics, give us some real meat on the meat heads that are running things. These guys affect our families and it would be nice to know about the corruption going on in our cities states and country.

5. Style / Gifts, for me and my family. It sucks to buy the wrong thing for B-days and X-mas. Flowers for her is nice but what else?

6. Life planning tips. Career, family, retirement, vacation, holidays.

7. Exercise for the family not just for me. Healthy meals Dad can cook.

8. Relationship building, after all the plan is to stay married if possible right?

9. Cool stuff, electronics, cars, what ever.

10. Hot wives section. Real women, older than my daughter, but still sexy. I personally am tired of silicone and touched up photos. Lets get real not many wives look like the 17 year olds that are on the cover of Stuff and Maximum. They Exercise have to be naked either I have an imagination and like to use it some times.

11. Guide to movies or TV that the kids can watch. Or information on the movies that we need to avoid. Or for that matter anything else that would protect our families from immoral media.

12. Families of the year? Not sure if this one will float but it is a thought.

You asked for some ideas and I gave you mine. I have been looking for a magazine with this kind of content but haven't found one yet. I will be watching the news stand to see what you will offer.

Greg

I am a 43 yr. old father of 2 sons, 21 and 19. both are in college and living away from home. My oldest lives with his fiance' who has dropped out of college. For some reason my son seems to think that he should still have access to my wallet and mainly what is inside of it. He wanted me to buy books for his latest semester of school. My wife just added him to a tuition re-embersment program through her work (we have the youngest on the same program). So through her company we gave him $1400 for tuition, then he called and asked for $300 for the books. We are paying for the younger sons books due to a divorce agreement with my ex-wife but she paid for the older sons books during the time she was paying for his schooling. I have now not heard from my son for about 3 weeks, what's worse is I saw by his school billing that he got back $311 from the school because of the re-embursement and other funding he had. Why at 21 does he think I still owe him money?

Dad,
There’s nothing in the contract that says that parents can be taken advantage of by their kids – after 18 anyway.
It sounds like right now he mainly taps you for money. It also looks like he and his fiancée are lacking in some planning. You don’t want to reward this type of behavior.
Some thoughts:
Get together with him – before he asks for more money. Ask him how things are with school and his girl. Be receptive. Tell him you are interested in his future and want to hear about his plans. Ask him about his financial situation. Tell him you want to help him by being available for emotional support and advice (on getting a job, setting a budget, etc.) if he would like to hear it. Don’t bring up money this time.
I have a hunch what he really wants from you is emotional rather than financial backing. ItÂ’s worth a shot. The idea is for him to use your fatherly love and turn it into good decisions and healthy living that will make you both proud.
This emotional investment by you should not affect your checkbook and in fact you may get a nice return.
If he asks for money encourage him to try to begin to make it on his own – that it will make him feel better about himself. Let him know that you sincerely feel it’s the wrong thing for both of you to simply hand over money.
Now, if he really begins to try – if he’s getting good grades, gets a job – but it’s still hard for him to make ends meet (it is rougher today than it was when you and I were 21), I don’t think there’s anything wrong with slipping him a twenty here and there. It would be on your terms, not his.
Hope this helps.

Dr. Mario

Dr. Mario,
Thanks for the advice. I have in fact offered to help him set-up and look at his finances. He has declined. I know that he and the fiancee' live above their means. They eat out a lot because a $10 pizza is cheaper than 20 worth of groceries, and they don't usually have pizza but sushi or something expensive. They have a dog and now 2 new kittens, more mouths to feed. I have really tried to let him make it on his own and have slipped him a $10 or $20 on occassions to help out. I don't like the feeling of cringing when he calls, because he seems to mostly call when he's looking for money. We have had him over and we have a great time but then at some point in the evening he moans about being poor. It also does not help that the fiancee's mother provids things for them both monitarily and with "things". They are currently renting a large home from her and if they cannnot mask rent she tends to "look the other way". I think the deeper issue might be that my sons folks aren't doing the same maybe?

Dad,
You are probably right. Looks like you are in competition with a value system that undermines what you are trying to teach your son – the best life.
I still urge you to remain consistent to your beliefs. The good news is that being a good role model as a father is the best way to teach him. Keep trying to be a good father-coach to him. Be on the lookout for his attempts to follow your advice. DonÂ’t forget to reinforce his good behavior by congratulating him and letting him know you are proud of that particular accomplishment or hard effort.
Keep us posted.

Dr. M