I'm nearly 50, fit, financially sucessful and have been married for 30 years. I have two sons, whom I love very much. My older son is 24, stable, hardworking and in a good relationship. My other son is 15 and has run away from home for the second time in 6 weeks. He describes himself as a punk skater. He continually lies, cheates, steals and his grades are in the tank. My wife and I have read the books, talked to him til we are blue in the face, brought him to counseling and even had him hospitilized when he recently went "out of control".
Anyway...he is gone again, and now we just have anger. What can we do or say, or are we in for a bitch of a ride if/when he gets a clue?

wow, i think you are in for the ride of your life until he gets a clue. i wonder if his little antics are due to the impression in his little head that you and your wife are prouder and care for his older brother more and this is his way of attention. just a thought.

Military School. Let him get a taste of some responsibility for his own actions. Let him know you are not trying to change him, he can act any way he wants. But he will see those values wont get him very far. Will he hate you for it maybe for a while but I know that road and it doesent include respectful visits to Dads house.

Greg

Thats rough...not only on yourself but on your son too. He is most likely going through some rough times. It seems almost obvious that he feel overshadowed by his older brother and his success that comes from being stable, hardworking, etc. At an early age seeing your older sibling off on his own, living only what you dream of, it makes it seem like a unattainable goal. On top of this he is going through a rebellious stage in his life. I think the majority of America went through this at a time or two during his/her life. He wants to buck the system, make a stand, he feel small so he wants to make noise and be heard. Let him know ya hear him. In the most loving way possible though. Grounding him for the better part of his remaining youth, sending him to military schools, juvenile bootcamp, etc. are not really great answers to the equation. If we look at the problem logically we see we have an adolescent who has poor psychological developement due to a reason yet to be determined and a low-self esteem. He feels he cannot amount up to his brother...especially the things his brother did. So he runs off with whom he feels accepted and would much rather do that because he is listened to in his current brotherhood of friends. What would a fifteen year-old kid rather do...hear his mom and pop rant about how his teacher is calling about 15 missing homework assignments or say screw it all and go skate with his friends? Or in our terms (granted we all now have some amount of years under our belt and some sort of responsibility to show for it)...you live in a posh neighborhood where if your lawn wasn't mowed within the past 24hrs your out of regs and the looks leer from the windows of your "neighbors"...well lets just say you haven't been home due to business in quite some time and you get home to hear your wife gripe about the lawn is a mess and her car needs the plugs and the oil changed...yet it is saturday...the day devoted to golf, friends, and fun...so your choice...make your 8am tee time with your buds or continue to listen to your wife gripe about stuff that can honestly wait for some more time...its relavent...i can see where the fifteen year old is coming from...so can you...
so when he comes home...treat him as the prodigal son...embrace him...thank him for coming home...have a great dinner...tell him you love him...it will throw him through a loop...now as far as education will concern...contiuous love will turn that around...leave his books in his own hands...but find out what he is studying or learning about...odds are since he is in high school current events is in the system somewhere....what are your son's political views...what does he think about the war in iraq...and why? if your child if truly into punk and skating he should at least know their political views (i am hesistant to offer this since i am pro-Bush, generally republican, and in the military) but has he heard about the Rock Against Bush tour, or 20,000,000 Strong Rock the Vote by MTV...the point is further your sons interests in whatever he is into...maybe even do it yourself...yes I did suggest trying to put yourself on a skateboard...and yes we both know the odds of you breaking yourself in the effort are high...but your son will know he has the upper hand on you in at least one thing in life...and that is the start to a high self esteem...start building a stronger relationship...just think he could end up taking care of you when your old...

also good luck

Thanks Doc.

First Pal, don't beat yourself up. You and your wife are obviously caring parents and have tried your best. This is not your fault. My three kids are a different as night and day. They've all been treated equally and yet they are all taking different paths. Your rebel son is on his own path and at some point in time he is responsible for his life, not you. Now, having said that, I think its great that even after everything you still want to help him and care about him. He may not appreciate it now, but he will. There was an earlier suggestion of military school. I know that sounds like a cop out, but it might be the key. I had a cousin who was the biggest rebel out there. His parents were fine upstanding people who loved him and tried at every turn to help him. Finally, they resorted to St. John's military school in Wisconsin. Yes, it was tough love, but this kid was turned around there. He's now a math professor at Berk. in Calif. He tells me he looks back on his rebel period and can't explain why he acted as he did. He was not angry with his parents, etc. he just felt he was living his own life. Of course now he sees he was being a jerk. But he made it through that storm. Maybe it'll give you some hope. Hang in there.

quote:

Originally posted by taichicoach:
I'm nearly 50, fit, financially sucessful and have been married for 30 years. I have two sons, whom I love very much. My older son is 24, stable, hardworking and in a good relationship. My other son is 15 and has run away from home for the second time in 6 weeks. He describes himself as a punk skater. He continually lies, cheates, steals and his grades are in the tank. My wife and I have read the books, talked to him til we are blue in the face, brought him to counseling and even had him hospitilized when he recently went "out of control".
Anyway...he is gone again, and now we just have anger. What can we do or say, or are we in for a bitch of a ride if/when he gets a clue?

Guess, your child didn't find out what he really want in his life. Or maybe, he was jealous of your older child, because you only given him less attention. Try to be more considerate about his feelings. If he goes back to you why not confront him. Indulge him to talk to you on what he really want and why he is running away.

Although, I am not a parent but still I have encountered this kind of setup. I have a brother whom we called as "black sheep" of the family. He always get into trouble, when my parents confronted him he just yelled at them and turn his back away from them. I know he hurt my parents so much, but still they don't have any control towards him. Until such time that my parents decided to leave him alone to what he think is right. Then he realize that he should try to be more considerate with our parents feelings.

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quote:

Originally posted by taichicoach:
I'm nearly 50, fit, financially sucessful and have been married for 30 years. I have two sons, whom I love very much. My older son is 24, stable, hardworking and in a good relationship. My other son is 15 and has run away from home for the second time in 6 weeks. He describes himself as a punk skater. He continually lies, cheates, steals and his grades are in the tank. My wife and I have read the books, talked to him til we are blue in the face, brought him to counseling and even had him hospitilized when he recently went "out of control".
Anyway...he is gone again, and now we just have anger. What can we do or say, or are we in for a bitch of a ride if/when he gets a clue?

Posted September 22, 2006 11:53 PM

quote:
Originally posted by taichicoach:
I'm nearly 50, fit, financially sucessful and have been married for 30 years. I have two sons, whom I love very much. My older son is 24, stable, hardworking and in a good relationship. My other son is 15 and has run away from home for the second time in 6 weeks. He describes himself as a punk skater. He continually lies, cheates, steals and his grades are in the tank. My wife and I have read the books, talked to him til we are blue in the face, brought him to counseling and even had him hospitilized when he recently went "out of control".
Anyway...he is gone again, and now we just have anger. What can we do or say, or are we in for a bitch of a ride if/when he gets a clue?



Guess, your child didn't find out what he really want in his life. Or maybe, he was jealous of your older child, because you only given him less attention. Try to be more considerate about his feelings. If he goes back to you why not confront him. Indulge him to talk to you on what he really want and why he is running away.

Although, I am not a parent but still I have encountered this kind of setup. I have a brother whom we called as "black sheep" of the family. He always get into trouble, when my parents confronted him he just yelled at them and turn his back away from them. I know he hurt my parents so much, but still they don't have any control towards him. Until such time that my parents decided to leave him alone to what he think is right. Then he realize that he should try to be more considerate with our parents feelings.



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