In the latest issue (and on the very nice new website) of BestLife there is an article titled "Where have all the men gone".

Read it. Now. Maybe read it again.

We talk about our relationships with our wives or SO's, but how many guy friends do you have? Now how many of those friends do you see with any sort of regularity? For me, the answer is very few and none.

The article points out four mistakes that are killing our friendships and, perhaps, even ourselves.

1) We place male friendships behind our marriage and families in terms of importance and time spent.

2) The "wife as best friend" syndrome. It's unnatural and puts too much pressure on your relationship with your wife (and on her).

3) Allowing our wifes/girlfriends to manage our social lives.

4) The Clint Eastwood effect - we all think we need to be self-sufficient, to stand alone against the world. This makes us sicker and at greater risk for premature death.

So what do we do? We, on this forum, have asked this question many times. How do we make friends, how do we re-connect with old friends, etc? I tell you guys, I wish I knew.

I love my wife and son and enjoy my job. But I have to tell you I'm beginning to resent them all. It's beginning to affect my work, my work on my graduate degree, everything.

Some days I'd just like th sit down with my friend Matt and have a beer. Except he lives 10 hours away.

i am lucky to have my two best friends from before high school living within 20 minutes from me. we talk on a regular basis, play b-ball, and yes have an occasional alcoholic beverage together.

how about some of the people in the graduate program? could you get together with them for a drink every now and then?

Well, I'm doing the grad program as a distance student. I'd grab a drink with some guys I work with except that I work mostly with women, and the guys I do have in the office are, well, not friend material (trust me on this one).

I have been making some progress in the getting acquaintances category. I've taken a queue from BestLife (IIRC) and become a regular at one of the local coffee shops. I've gotten to know the owner a bit, so that's kind of cool.

I know you hve limited time, but have you thought abut joining a gym or a over 40 league in some sport you enjoy. This week my basketball league ended for the year and we got together for beers, portuguese sausage, horseshoes, and pingpong. It was also an evening of talking about sports, women (not our wives), oh and more women.

I have always been a bit of a solitary sort, having maybe a couple of very close friends but not ever wanting to be much a part of a larger group. I do agree that having close male friends is important to the mental health of any man.

It seems like my one or two close friends have changed as I have moved through life and changed jobs. For instance, my closest friend of 10 years ago, I rarely speak with now. As our lives and curcumstances changed, we sort of drifted apart.

The one constant in my life has been that I am a member of a musical group. The core members of the band have been together for nearly 30 years. We get together to rehearse about once per month, and play about 6-10 "gigs" every year. The music is fun, but the cameraderie is why I am still involved.

We settled in a medium sized town before we retired and it has been a bit challenging to get to know people. I joined a Senior Men's group (55 & up), but there aren't any in their 50's and there are very few of us in our 60's. Most of them are in their late 70's, 80's and a few in their 90's. I am learning a great deal about what lies ahead for us as we age. I am also coming to the realization that unless some more younger guys start joining the group, I am going to be left holding the bag.

quote:

Originally posted by john1520:
I know you hve limited time, but have you thought abut joining a gym or a over 40 league in some sport you enjoy. This week my basketball league ended for the year and we got together for beers, portuguese sausage, horseshoes, and pingpong. It was also an evening of talking about sports, women (not our wives), oh and more women.

Not a bad idea. I check our local recreation commission website, and there are some rec softball leagues - I may look into that. I have also thought about getting back to playing golf, and may see if there's a group doing that.

This topic has come up before in this forum. Then and now, for me it is the same: the last 'friend' I had in my employment was more than 3 years ago, and it was a woman (no, nothing ever happened). Both of our jobs shifted, so save for a few e-mails, we haven't seen each other since.

For about 11 years my commute has been driving 2 hours, each way, daily. So a few 'buddies' at work are the best I've managed, but no friends.

I am a Scout leader in the local Troop, but even there the guys are buddies and nothing more.

I guess I don't make time for loneliness; with 2 boys (11 and 4),and all they do, plus my wife and the house, there's always something to be done. I don't resent it; its just the way it is.

Sit in a bar and have a beer? Heh. Last time I did that was more than a year ago on a business trip! Even then, I was solo.

Yeah, it is a constant refrain on the forum, but I thought the article was interesting.

I even envy you with having buddies at work. I work with people with no social inclinations at all. In fact, several are militantly anti-social (they can barely stand to have people stand in their cubicals).

I too found that being a scouter led to few friendships. One problem was that I was quite a bit younger than a lot of the other guys (I was a father at 21, which is kind of early these days it seems).

The whole commute thing is another issue. I'll start another thread on that I think.

Are we, as men, victims of the "better life" we are trying to create for our mate and offspring? We define ourselves - derive our identity from - where we went to school, where our kids go to school, where we live, what we have, what we drive, where we work and what title is attached to our name. We work more hours than other civilied countries owing to the fact that we have been seduced by the "keeping up with the Joneses" mentality that implores us to buy the latest, greatest, fastest, biggest, shiniest, etc. We live in Vinyl Villages with high fences that keep the prisoners in and the riffraff out, pipe in cable/satellite/internet that allows us to cocoon ourselves from the outside world, and live out our athletic fantasies vicariously through our kids participation in various sports where, it seems, winning is the only thing that matters - to the parents. When we do occasionally vacation, we take our laptop/Blackberry/cellphone/whatever with us "just in case". We are fostering a generation that understands that it is more important to look after number one than to be loyal. I have mine, you figure out how to get your own. The common good is ignored as a philosophic relic whose time was long ago, in a galaxy far, far away.

I'm one of the fortunate ones - I have my wife as a very good friend, but she's not my best friend. That title is reserved for my childhood bud, through thick (my waist) and thin (his hair). We can talk about anything and the subject stays private. He and I recognize we are blessed with that one friend that we can bare our souls to, that knows everything about us and still calls us their best friend. We still make time for one another because we realize how important our friendship is and how f***ed up life and the pursuit of happiness can be in these times. I love my wife with my heart and soul, but I don't buy into the bull**** that she is "my best friend" that too many guys believe. Personally, I think guys that believe that creed need to grow a pair, and it would be great if newage gurus/psychobabblers would quit trying to rewire our young and old male brains and thought process.

I'm getting wound up and need to get back to work, so I'll end this rant. I close with this bit of personal philosophy - Doing is more important than having. Peace to you, Brothers.

ITC36

Very well said!!

I think that part of the problem is that we are such a mobile society these days. My closest friends are both hundreds of miles away and getting together is a bit difficult. It is also a shame that most of us don't really know our own neighbors anymore.

So, how does one break out of the cycle of isolation that permeates our society today? There are very few social groups for guys only (excluding the "men's movement" drumming-in-the-woods type of group).

We are told by popular culture, for some time now, that our significant others should be our best friends (e.g. I heard the Queen song "You're my best friend" on the way to work this morning - it was released in 1975).

We are also told by popular culture that male friendships are borderline "gay" - witness the largeish body of work on the homosexual overtones of the Frodo/Sam dynamic in LoTR. After all, two guys can't be friends for friendship's sake, right?

quote:

Originally posted by Pecos:
ITC36

Very well said!!

I think that part of the problem is that we are such a mobile society these days. My closest friends are both hundreds of miles away and getting together is a bit difficult. It is also a shame that most of us don't really know our own neighbors anymore.

Yeah, that is one problem I have - we moved from the city to a very rural area. We used to have our neighbors over for cookouts and block parties all the time. Now our nearest neighbors is 1/2 mile away, and they are family.

For those of you that do live in a city - we started a neighborhood watch in ours, and led the group for some time. We had a lot of activities for the folks on our street and had a lot of fun. Something to think about.

quote:

We are also told by popular culture that male friendships are borderline "gay" - witness the largeish body of work on the homosexual overtones of the Frodo/Sam dynamic in LoTR. After all, two guys can't be friends for friendship's sake, right?

I totally quite agree with your point and I'm afraid that this is one of the biggest loads of crap that modern society has imposed on us in the last 20 years. Even finding someone to go fishing with is getting difficult. All of the well established men's groups are declining in membership because younger men are not participating.

We are told by popular culture, for some time now, that our significant others should be our best friends (e.g. I heard the Queen song "You're my best friend" on the way to work this morning - it was released in 1975).

We are also told by popular culture that male friendships are borderline "gay" - witness the largeish body of work on the homosexual overtones of the Frodo/Sam dynamic in LoTR. After all, two guys can't be friends for friendship's sake, right?


Pop culture has also bequeathed we mortal men with Metrosexuals, Queer Eye, Brokeback Mountain, Political Correctness (poster grinds teeth), the talent(?) of Jessica Simpson & Britanny Spears, etc, ad infinitum. Pop Culture can kiss my ass. Modern Society wants men to be geldings, which are much easier to break, saddle and ride but lack any spirit of adventure or danger. Stallions are too dangerous, too high spirited, too aggressive to ever be tamed, but man, what a ride! If God lets me return to earth, I want to be a champion thorobred (sp, I think). Work the first four or five years of my life, and then retire to stud only the finest fillies the rest of my days.

I don't have any insight or eyeopening revelations to impart, only you yourself can find that inner drive/desire/need/longing that truly makes you happy and content. I find mine behind the wheel of my racecar, which is where I always knew I would find it when I became consciously aware of the sport in my youth. We are all blessed with passions/talents from our Creator that make us uniquely individual. It's up to us to discover what sets us free, what it is that makes the years of monotonous, invisible drudgery worth enduring to relish those precious few moments of bliss that only you can really understand the significance of.

We all need a best friend to get through life with, a guy you can count on to cover your back when you truly need that cover, and vice versa. Your gang has scattered throughout the hills and valleys? Then start a new one. Stop allowing yourself to be isolated. Turn off the Opiate of the Masses (that game or show isn't that important), leave your cell on your dresser, and get your ass out of your comfortable cocoon. You're only blessed with a finite number of days - enjoy them and make them count. I would rather leave a Legacy than an Empire.