I've been married 13-years and my sex life is less than desirable. In fact, it's non-existent and always has been. I know that this sounds outrageous, but it's true.

My wife was a virgin when we married, and I realized that after we made love several times that she did not raise intimate desires in me, and I do not enjoy having sex with her; I don't have the driving desire to have spontaneous sex, or make love to her at all. In fact, there is nothing about her that turns me on in the bedroom. Our relationship was built on communication while courting, and not intimacy.

We have discussed this issue several times, but have chose to ignore the reality of our sex life because we love and respect each other too much to admit that we may have to call it quits. Reason being, we love each other, but are not in love with each other. We are more like roommates and good friends.

I want and demand intimacy in my life, and my wife and I have discussed this issue with heartfelt emotion. However, my feelings are the same: I do not desire my wife the way I should, and the way she should be desired.

Your thoughts, please. ?:|

You present a painful and complex situation. Here are my thoughts.

I think how 2 people relate sexually is one of three key components of a long term relationship (the other two are how they relate as friends, and how they cooperate in meeting life tasks). So, at least 1/3 of your marriage is significantly impaired.

It may seem unfair, but you have to start with questioning your role in the problem (I’m not saying she has nothing to do with it.).

You are right; a good long term sexual relationship requires emotional intimacy. You may want to assess how you contribute or undermine this in your marriage. Ideally, she needs to do the same. Although, sometimes when one party changes, it can lead to changes in the other.

True emotional intimacy is not natural or easy. It involves knowing who we really are. Unless we have a good sense of self, we will feel too vulnerable and hide from our selves and others. If we are not really there, we can’t be intimate, and we can’t have a healthy sexual relationship with our partner. How well do you know yourself?

Assuming we know ourselves very well, we must then be curious, and want to know and understand our partner. The need to be understood is a basic human need. If she feels you really want to know her, and it’s safe for her to share herself with you, I would expect her to become more sexually attractive to you, and for you to respond to her openness. You may want to ask her if she thinks you want to really know her and if she feels safe with you.

Contemplate these ideas and see if it helps.

Dr. M