I've recently discovered that my boyfriend of 5 months has a "thing" for online porn sites and cams. I came to know of this when he left his email open on my computer...This is among other problems we are having, but I just don't get it...When I confronted him about it he did admit that he goes to those sites, but he's not being honest about how frequently. What's the allure to pay to watch a girl on a computer screen? Anyone have any comments, suggestions, explanations...
Confused and hurt in NY

Greetings Soccergirl713. Many times looking at porn repeatedly is an addiction. I guess the thing to do is discuss with him your unhappiness with it. You also say you are having other problems as well. Maybe it is all interrelated.

Men are dogs. That's it, we are hormone driven, and what we won't do one minute, we will do a few minutes later simply because there is a naked woman involved. Even if she is on the computer.

If his habit is a substitute for sex with you, then it's a problem. If it intereferes with anything that he should be doing-work, chores, being with you, orother normal things, then it is a problem; if he simply goes and watches on an occasional basis, however you may define that, it is probably not a problem, almost all guys like porn and will look at it. Girls and women too. Seems like you don't like it, that's your choice of course.

If you are having other problems, they might be related, if he is becoming inconsiderate of you or doesn't have time for you, it might be time to move on.

There's a big difference between online porn and grabbing a Playboy or Penthouse at the bookstore.

The later usually involves more of a harmless fantasy type of layout. A view that sex is something natural and healthy. The former, well, there's some sick crap out there. Definitely not of the healthy sort.

If your boyfriend is looking a relatively harmless pics or movies, I don't see a problem. If, however, he's into degrading or other abusive types, I think you need to punt him.

Another issue is that he's hiding it from you. That's the same as if he's hiding drinking - it's something that he's ashamed of, or feels is wrong for your relationship.

And I'd not let him do it from your computer. Porn sites are notorious for infecting your computer with spyware and viruses. Tell him if he wants to watch, do it on his own system. If he won't agree to that small restriction, he's an ass.

Well, a lot of good points have been made and yes, there were some other problems. I have since moved out, but we are still dating. Sex with us is/was fine - the porn is not a substitution, but it's still bothersome to me. I've read online articles and postings and whatnot about how it's just a "thing" to many guys, how women/girlfriends shouldn't feel inferior or like their men want them to look like the girls in the porn, but it's hard to keep that in mind.
I happen to know that my boyfriend is still visting these sties, and even more frequently now than when we were living together. (I happen to know this because he had left his email open on my computer once and had an email with his password in it, so....) I can't help it, but I look at his email and I see the email confirmations he gets when he makes charges to his credit card. There have been three this week! For $50 each - that's a lot of money in my opinion. And why? I guess that's what I want to know...Is it really just a "guy habit" or I am insufficient to him?

In my opinion, any guy spending that much money on porn has a problem with it. Now, I could see it if he were some poor schlub without a date or the possiblilty of ever getting laid. But, it looks like that is not the issue. So, I think you are wise to be concerned.

You do need to quit invading his privacy however. Stealing passwords and checking his credit card purchases make you sound really controlling and paranoid.

quote:

Originally posted by Chief Engineer:
You do need to quit invading his privacy however. Stealing passwords and checking his credit card purchases make you sound really controlling and paranoid.

Just to clarify - the password was right there - as he was using my computer and didn't close his email. Do I think it's right? No, of course not, but now I can't help myself. He tells me he's not going to those sites anymore, but clearly I KNOW he is - however, I have no way to confront the issue. Stuck between a rock and a hard place - what can I do? When I previously confronted him on the porn issue, he agreed to delete all of the files from his computer and stop doing it, but he hasn't.

That really suc.ks, his porn habit has created your sneaky habit. You have gone from enjoying his company to invading his privacy. You would not want anyone to do to you what you are now doing to him.

Give him one more chance: tell him you are disgusted with his lack of control, that porn can be recreational but he is becoming addicted and you won't stand for it. Of course, you will have to blow your cover, you have been looking at his email. Don't let him wriggle off the hook by accusing you of being a sneaky person.
His expenditures on porn are way out of line. $150.00 is too much for a month, much less a week.
Try to get him to do the fun things that you did when you first met. Remind him that you can be good together without the porn.

Tell him it's you or the porn-it's that simple.

I posted above that some porn is OK, and can be shared. Your situation goes way beyond that; it's taken its own life, made you a sneak. He is a sneak. Makes both of you weak. And your relationship suffers.

Tell him that you are better than a computer screen, his hand and his lotion; then prove it-fu.ck his brains out, and tell him that he doesn't need the porn. Make him cancel the subscriptions while you watch. Then blow him. He'll get it. Or leave him.

Oh yeah, he does want you to look like the girls in the movies. We all want that, even if we know it won't happen.