Ok guys I've come to bask in your wisdom & pick up some titbits from your vast knowledge!

I need some male points of view.

Myself & my partner have been together for 4 years, both in our early 30's with 2 children (one from a previous relationship).

About 9 months into our relationship I fell pregnant with our son, since I was 3 months pregnant - 3 years ago - we haven't had a sexual realtionship.

I've tried talking to him but all i get is that he doesn't understand what's going on either. I've tried leaving the subject alone & I've tried just going for more cuddles but I get nothing.

He looks at porn on the computer but will not look at it with me at all - I thought maybe it would be a way we can reconnect but no.

At christmas I caught him out on MSN chatting to a female friend of his. I printed out the conversation and confronted him - he even sent a picture message of his hard on to her! I was mortified - That in my opinion is not good. I would never intimately chat with anyone other than him let alone send a msg & suggest booking a hotel! I went slightly mad, threw a few things & he broke down in tears, apologised, said he let me down, it didn't mean anything etc.

We don't really have much good physical contact at all. I get a kiss on the forehead very occasioanlly on the lips when he leaves the house (I'm a stay at home mum) - i feel like it's how he'd kiss his mum goodbye!

I have to ask for a cuddle 99% of the time.

I'm steadily going mad & really don't want to lose this relationship. I don't think physical closeness is the main part of a realtionship but it is certainly a factor, I don't feel it'll last of we can't sort this out.

For 3 of our 4 years in this realtionship we've been without a sex life. Sex was good beforehand - I want it back in our realtionship.

I know he's not having an affair. He says he loves me and always will but words are words - easily said.

Anyone else been through this or can offer some advice?

I'd be very grateful

Thanks in Advance

Not much that I can offer except to recommend that you get him into a counselor. That part about him e-mailing a picture of his private parts is pretty disturbing.

This is my situation in reverse, all but the strange tendency to photograph, email and all. So what turns a normal physical relationship into this? How can it go on for years, and when does it potentially cripple a relationship? If someone has the answer tell me - I've raised this on another string of emails in this forum. My contribution to this question is this - I once read something that said that a person's physical desire to be with someone may change if that person now only sees you as the mother of his children. He sounds like he has some pretty strong urges if he's photographing himself (it really is disturbing) but perhaps doesn't feel comfortable acting them out with you - the mother of his children. He may think that your relationship is now a traditional one (whatever that means) - perhaps he never thought of his parents as having a physical relationship (afterall we all used to watch those television shows where Mom and Dad had nice single beds six or seven feet away from each other).

Complicated stuff - my own concern is that a relationship is doomed to failure without a full relationship. Everything I've read on this seems to come to the same conclusion. I do think the previous post is correct - good counselor is what might help.

I realize this is the same advice I gave in an earlier thread but I think it is good. Maybe try and get away for a few days. Don't talk about the kids, home repairs, or any of the other mundane things that couples talk about. Eat in a suggestive manner, wear something low cut,in short try and make him hornier than he has ever been!!!

Thanks guys.

He prefers the ostrich approach to this situation & is insisting everything is fine.

Time away we can't do - no-one to have the kids overnight.

He plods on like all is fine. We snap & bicker then 5 mins after he's fine & i'm supposed to forget it all. He swears at me alot & doesn't have much patience - eg if he's looking for a something and can't find it, it'll be my fault & he'll start swearing, raising voice etc.

I've tried the calm approach to it & tried fighting back. I've been the little wifey getting tea on the table, shirts ironed, fetching & carrying etc etc. It's a rare event to go out together yet he's always out with friends.

I've have tried to ask him if it's the fact he now sees me as 'mother' but ostrich again says all is fine - 'we're ok, stop worrying'.

Personally i think 3 years without sex is not so fine.

Thanks guys for your input on this one. I'm lost & these past few months have seriously been wondering if I want to carry on in this relationship. In my heart I know he does love me so I don't just want to give up - that's not how i was raised, but i can't fix this on my own & he doesn't want to listen to me or spend time with me.

I said to him straight the other day 'I want to spend more time with you' to which he replied 'I'm sure I can sort something out' - I felt like a business appointment but we still haven't managed anything.

I just don't know anymore - I really don't know what to try next.

Thanks

It's interesting to have a woman's perspective on some of these questions - if you surf through some of these topics you will see that considerable time has been invested in trying to figure out the question of celibacy in marriage. I was relieved to read your comment that 3 years without sex "is not fine" - I'm past 3 years and I'm really conflicted over whether it's normal or a symptom of a deteriorating relationship. So Treemonk, within your circle of female friends have any confessed to one or two year periods of "inactivity"? - if yes, then what was the cause?

I read in a reputable medical journal that for couples in their 40's the frequency of sex was: 80% had sex at least once per month; 50% had sex every two weeks and about 25% had sex several times per week. The same articles were saying that even couples who have new-borns don't really drop off their sexual frequency (after a normal interval of recovery I recall).

If you have any insight from the woman's perspective I would love to hear it - if you weigh in I suspect you'll have one of the most read email responses in BestLife history!

I can only speak from experience.

The red-haired ex and I stopped having sex two years before I finally filed for divorce. Well, we stopped having sex; she was giving it away to half the county we live in. I was always told that when intimacy dies, there is usually someone else. In that case, it was true.

The second ex---well, even with our opposing work schedules, we found time to be "frisky". We were together Saturday and Sunday, and acted like teens in heat. The next Wednesday, she blindsided me by saying it was over.

The fact that he's sending out that type of pic sends up all sorts of red flags. To be safe, I'd consult an attorney to protect yourself..then get yourselves in counseling.

Sorry to say it, but all signs point to the end.

Best of Luck

bump

These are some romance tips may add to some spice in ur life.
Romance tips .